It’s okay about your spelling by the way! I’m a terrible speller, and I just make sure as much as I can that all my answers are correct because they are provided to an audience.
What happened with me was I had a bout of bad relationships and then school was suffering and I confessed to my mom that I wanted to kill myself (Here, in Ontario, they usually don’t make you go to a hospital unless you’ve actually tried hurting yourself, like your safety is in danger, unfortunately because they don’t have enough room otherwise). But anyways, he set me up with an appointment at the “mental” hospital, which is out patient only, and the doctor there asked me questions with his student and I HATED that experience. He was very condesceding and ignored what I had said a lot. I was thinking in my mind that he was judging me and looking down at me and thinking I was making things up. I hated it! But it did get A LOT better. I was refered by him to see a social worker, who worked with a doctor… and she was the SWEETEST lady ever! Make sure who you have, you LIKE. Maybe you can ask your doctor to refer to a physchologist?
Do you awfulize a lot? I do as well. I hate just walking in a mall because I make judgments about people, and I think they are making judgments about me.
Maybe start small. I was lucky that my doctor knows me, he was the one that birthed me, so he knew that it was the environment that I had for a while that was bad, and I just needed someone to talk to about it.
Best Regards,
Chelsea.

It’s the same here in Québec, they won’t send you in the hospital unless they think you’re a threat to yourself or others. There’s a difference between thinking about suicide and having a plan to actually do it. I really think you should talk about it before it gets worse. If you have some problems talking, you can always write a letter, and start it by writing you find it impossible to speak about this, so you’d rather write it to be sure they will know what is the most important. You can just write you think about suicidal sometimes and they won’t send you in a hospital because of it, but they will take your case seriously.

I know it’s hard, but you have to do it. The problems won’t magically disappear, and sooner or later you’ll have to make this step. Finding help is a big step in the treatment of BPD, and it makes you more powerful. You’ll be proud of yourself when it’s done!

Love,
Julie